I don’t think I can ever remember a time in my life when I wasn’t concerned with my weight. That’s not to say my weight has ALWAYS been the issue. I was taught it, told it, and then I believed it.
I think about Eve in the garden with the tempter. And what did he entice her with? A thought seed.- to believe something contrary to what God said. Oh, it’s easy to look back at Eve and say “If it wasn’t for her, all of mankind wouldn’t have fallen.” But we can’t fault Eve. We’re just like her.
See, I know now that I mostly overeat out of a place of feeling unworthy. But who told me I was unworthy? The serpent told Eve that when she ate the fruit she would then be like God. The truth is: She already was like God. “Then God said, ‘Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness” to rule everything and have dominion. (Gen 1:26). She believed a lie in thinking that she was less than what God had already created her to be. My overeating reveals, thousands of years later, that I believe the same lie.
What is the lie that we believe? Are we not beautifully and wonderfully made? Are we not worth love, worth absolute adoration, WORTHY, regardless of what we perceive ourselves to look like RIGHT NOW?
So when did we believe the lie? And what in us is so willing, almost wanting, to believe it?
Weight and eating has never been THE issue. I mean, I wasn’t turning down a bottle at 8 months in order to watch my figure or get rid my baby fat and chunky cheeks (and I had some Jabber Jaws, ya’ll). So though I wasn’t born with a body image issue – I was born with a void that manifested as a body image issue. A void that I’ve been stuffing with food, then with dieting, then food again, then with exercise, and then with some more food. There’s the issue! That void is only meant for God to fill. It’s an eternal place meant for an eternal God. There’s not enough donuts, hamburgers, ice cream, beer, or biscuits that can fill this hole. And uh…I may not be able to speak for you, but I’ve tried to put A LOT of those things in there to fill it (Ah. Lot.) and the void remains.
I can remember my mom always being on a diet, always working out. I was only a tween when I got my first workout video (Good ole VHS…whew that was back in the day). Cleaning the kitchen after dinner wasn’t a chore because I could grab another spoon full, who am I kidding…several spoonfuls, of the left over mac and cheese. I remember my clothes being given away because I was too big to wear them. I remember my dad bringing me a Snicker bar every time I asked. The way he saw it, if I got it anytime I wanted I wouldn’t always want it when I grew up. Funny enough, I’m not too big on Snickers and candy bars now. He may have been on to something. I think his method was laced with a truth of not feeling deprived. I remember always being super nice and extra considerate in school so that I wouldn’t get picked on for being fat. Crazy: when I look at childhood pictures now – I see I wasn’t fat at all. I feel robbed. All this time I was trying to hide weight that didn’t exist. Until one day it did. I feel like I created it. I created it because I believed it to be true.
The Bible does say “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” Lord, please help me to believe the truth. Help me to believe what You have said over me. You knew me before you formed me in the womb.
Dear God, Help Me to Believe You.